To be loved

What is it like to live with someone you don’t love?

“I just give myself permission to suck. I find this hugely liberating”

— John Green

It’s 7 am, she wakes up to the smell of freshly made coffee. She begs and pleads me to have one sip of it. I refuse to give her that. It isn’t good for her health. I make her do yoga, stretch a little, do a few more jumping jacks than yesterday, it’s important to improve. I know how she sucks and where she sucks and it is entertaining to know that there is not a single thing in which she doesn’t suck at. Well, she isn’t John Green, so it’s not that cool to suck at everything.

At 9 am, she opens her laptop, getting ready for work. She does whatever she does. I don’t really think she enjoys doing what she does. She does it anyway. She has never opened up to me about what she likes, maybe, because she hasn’t figured it out herself. There you go, one more thing she sucks at. She sometimes gets stuck in the labyrinth of “what ifs”. Can anyone suck at thinking?

At 5 pm, most days, she stops doing anything related to work. I ask her to spend some time outside. She stays glued to her phone. Doing irrelevant things. I don’t really like her, but I don’t really have a choice, do I?

She does some random chores and hits the bed at 10:30 pm and sleeps. Why do I have to deal with someone so boring? *Yawns*

At almost every part of my life, I’ve rarely stood up for her, because I hate her a little. That might be a little too much. But to say that I’ve liked her not so much would not be an exaggeration and I’ve let people treat her the way I could have treated her if I had a choice.

Days pass by. Lesser interaction with the outside world. More Lockdown days. Pandemic doesn't end. More time with her. Ouch. Will this not end?

This was a Monday or Tuesday. I was too bored to ask her to do something. I let her have a coffee and I just decided to sit with her, I really had no one else to talk to. I had a normal conversation for the first time in a long time about what she likes or dislikes. What she fears and what she thinks. Her fears are intense. Maybe, I fear the same things as well.

The conversation probably went on for a while. She then went to work and I didn’t see her for the rest of the day.

At 5 pm, we decided to talk again. But we couldn’t really speak much. We sat in silence. Maybe, she isn’t too unlikeable or maybe I got used to her.

I always used to keep telling her about how she shouldn’t stop talking to people, no matter how hard it is to get along with them, I realized that was probably because that way I didn’t have to spend too much time with her. I felt a little bad about it. In my defense, I still couldn’t really get along with her, I’m still here.

We have a daily routine now. We spend close to 15 minutes actually trying to talk or have a conversation, which is a pretty great deal for us. I learned that there are things about her that I actually don’t really hate.

On one Sunday, I decided to write a note to her, I decided to write everything I like about her. The list wasn’t really too long. I frankly couldn’t go beyond 3 points. But, I was glad I found something to like about the person I have to spend a whole lot of time with. She read it at night, before sleep and I could tell she was happy. I’ve never really made much of an effort before to make her happy.

Each Sunday, I took some time out to write something about her that I like, the list of things I like about her grew each week.

Last week, when I handed her the note, she smiled ear to ear and said, “Well, you are trying to love me and that’s a really good start”.

Maybe, it is a start?

Maybe the next time, I see her in the mirror, I won’t think about everything that she sucks at?